Ep. 102: Relationship 101: Problems – Don’t Let Them Cost You a Godly Man

Even the best, most godly men will come with problems. Not red flags… just real life, two humans learning how to love. But here’s the truth no one tells you: it’s not the problems that end most love stories — it’s the way we respond to them.

In this episode, we talk about how a Kingdom Bride handles problems.

 No drama. No chasing. No shutting down. Just holy desire, respect, and emotional maturity that keeps love growing instead of dying.

💌 If you’re listening and thinking, “I want this, but I don’t know how to do it…” email me at michelle@thechristiandatingcoach.com

If price is the only thing in your way, ask. I will always do my best to make a way for a woman who’s ready to move.

God opens the door — but you have to walk through it.

Let's get you married, Sis.

Transcript

Michelle Joiner (00:00)
Hey, hey, sis. I hope you loved the last episode and I also hope you notice there's always a little bit of a vacuum when you listen to my podcast. I can teach you principles. I can stir your heart and open your eyes up to what's possible here, but I cannot give you every single thing you need for transformation in a 10 minute episode.

The reason for that is because transformation requires you. It requires me knowing who you are, what's going on in your life, your age, your location, your circumstances. I need to know you. And that is when you receive transformation, when the practice and the mentorship applies to your heart.

I give advice to all of my clients completely separate from each other. Everyone requires a different answer. They're all experiencing their own unique transformation. And that's not possible to create on a podcast. It does live inside my coaching and it lives inside my course as well.

inside discipleship. So if you're listening and you're thinking, Michelle, I want more. I need more than just inspiration and problem awareness. I need you to show me how to do this, how to call in my handsome, godly, high caliber man. If that is you, sis, then come into my world, take the course, apply for coaching. Don't stay on the outside hungry.

when the door is wide open. And listen, if you see the price and you hesitate, sis, email me. Seriously, I am always giving out scholarships and coupons. I don't post about them everywhere. But if price is the only thing stopping you, just ask. Because I want to say this very clearly. Never let price

be the thing that stops you from getting your dream. Not with me, not with anyone. If there is something you want, ask, seek, knock, doors open when you move. And especially, sis, I'm looking at you, the giver. You've spent your life giving your time, your prayers, your energy, your help, your money to others.

But when it's your turn to invest in yourself, to heal, to grow, to receive love you hesitate, that has to stop. You are worthy of being poured into as well. All right? Rant over. Let's get into it. In the last episode, I told you one of the reasons my clients get into relationships and engagements so quickly.

is because I teach women how to become essential to someone's happiness. Not desperate, not chasing, but essential. Meaning this man's life has become better, warmer, more peaceful because you are in it in a way that no one else

brings to him, you have become a source of pleasure, not sex, pleasure, holy, godly pleasure to him. That is not manipulation. That is love. But it only comes from humility, bravery, and kindness. It's being willing to do the kind thing even when it's uncomfortable or scary.

And when you become essential to someone's happiness, they don't walk away from that. They marry that. They put a ring on that. But let me be clear. When my clients find these amazing men, although it seems like magic, it is not. It is the way God works through women.

who act on the opportunities he places before them. God opens the door, but you have to walk through it to be adored. So when my clients meet these amazing men, it's because they reached out for help, humbled themselves, and started using tools that have been proven, They became like Ruth with a Naomi.

and they met their Boaz. And think about the scripture passage, right? Doesn't it seem like Boaz just came magically out of thin air? It feels like that, but that's not really happens. God is opening doors and these women are walking through them in partnership with him. That's exactly how it was with me and Caleb. He didn't really fall out of the sky. God opened a door. I got a dating coach who showed me how to use dating apps.

how to get dating apps to work for me. I was in Michigan, he was in Oregon. We were on the same dating app and we fell in love. Three time zones apart, God connected us because I had done the work and I was ready. We found each other and our first phone conversations after the second call, the third call, he said, I love you.

Less than a month of knowing we existed. We're in a Facebook committed relationship and look at us now. Your husband is out there. There are godly men, not perfect men, but men who obey Ephesians five husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church. I gave himself up for her.

love your wife as you love your own self. Men who honor what first Peter three says, treating their wives with respect as co heirs of grace. These are men who want to cherish and protect and love. And these men are just waiting for you to speak their language so that they can recognize that you're the one for them. Okay.

That all sounds beautiful, but even with this kind of love, even with this grace, there will still be problems always because we are two sinful people trying to love the Lord with still a sin nature. So today is Relationship 101: Problems. We're going to talk about how to solve the problems in an amazing relationship with an amazing man.

but with a simple heart still, yeah? Okay, so the first part of this, Part One, are the internal problems, right? The problems going inside of you, right? Like we're not perfect, we cause problems sometimes. Now let me explain to you the problems that we often cause as women. The first one is complaining. You cannot build a relationship when there's constant criticism in your heart.

Love cannot grow in a heart filled with complaint and discontent. Some of you have made complaining about men a habit and a seed of discontent has taken root and that spirit will follow you into marriage. You will never be satisfied because there will, promise you, even with the most amazing man, there will always be something to complain about.

And the enemy uses that to keep you in bitterness.

What I have found is the key to stop doing this is to instead embrace gratitude. Look for the good. Look for what to appreciate. Look for the ways that he shows up for you. And quite frankly, when I have thoughts of complaint about my husband or about someone else that I'm trying to love, I literally stop myself in my tracks and say this thought doesn't serve me.

Choose not to complain. All right, the second internal problem is what my coach calls manuals. I call them scripts sometimes. You may call them expectations. A manual is an invisible set of rules someone has to follow in order for you to be happy. He should text like this. He should respond like this. He should love me in this exact way, in this timeline.

And when he doesn't, you feel unloved and discouraged. But here's the thing. It's not just that he doesn't know your script. It's that scripts don't belong in love at all. Nobody wants to date their boss with a set of job descriptions. Nobody wants to be directed like a Broadway actor in your personal drama. It's hard enough.

to live up to our own standards. Imagine carrying someone else's script for you. Manuals feel terrible for them and they feel terrible for you because you're always disappointed. Let me tell you a secret about manuals. They're always a moving target. As soon as he does one thing you ask him to do, there's going to be something else that he didn't do that he didn't know about that you didn't realize you need. just, the list goes on and on. Let it go.

Throw manuals away. Grab grace. Acceptance. Acceptance that he is human, that you are human, that there will be flaws on both sides.

Now there is a way and you're listening to me and you're like, okay, but if I need something and he's not doing it, how do I let him know without it being a manual? That's different. A manual is a heart of discontent and ⁓ almost controlling spirit, right? Communicating needs, communicating your standards.

Doesn't have to be a manual. The other thing about a manual is that a manual exists so that you can be happy. So when you place your needs or desires on the line for someone else to do something so that you can be happy, It's always going to be hard for you. Don't give someone the responsibility of your happiness. That's your job.

Now I know you're saying what if I do feel unloved? What if he's not showing up for me emotionally? Here's how to handle it. Step one, speak with respect. 

Michelle Joiner (11:45)

I want to show you how to use respect. Okay. It sounds like this. I love you. I respect you. And because I respect you, I would never ignore your needs the way I feel mine are being ignored right now. Yeah. Did you hear that? Did you hear how centered that is? This person is not unhappy because of the other person. This person is looking for respect.

with self-worth and knowledge of her value, not asking someone, make me feel better. That's not what this is. Here's another one. These are my standards because I respect myself and I respect you enough to tell you honestly, I don't want to stay silent and grow bitter. Yeah. This is a woman who knows her value and is respecting her man. This is how we communicate and get our needs met.

All right, step two, don't use always and never. You hear that a lot, but here's the thing. When you say you never listen, you always forget me, it offends a man's sense of justice. He shuts down, he feels disrespected. So don't use always and never. Okay, step three, believe in his goodness. Believe that he has best intentions in his actions.

Believe that he cares about you. So fix your mindset before you go into conversations like this. He's probably not trying to hurt me. He might not know how to love me in my language. He does care, but he's imperfect, just like me. When you believe the best, your tone is softened. And that is when you can appeal to his heart instead of attacking it.

Michelle Joiner (14:11)
Let's talk about some of the most common dating relationship problems and how someone who wants to be a Kingdom Bride responds to them. Not with drama, not complaining resentment, but with clarity, humility and effectiveness

So here's the problem that I hear often. He's not romantic. Well, romance looks different to different people. And sometimes the problem isn't that he's not romantic. It's that he's not romantic in the exact, specific, precise way your imagination scripted it.

Michelle Joiner (14:57)
One of my favorite books growing up was Anne of Green Gables. And if you've never read it, let me paint a scene for you. Anne is this redheaded orphan girl with a wild imagination. And when she grows up, she dreams of epic romances, moonlight proposals, poetry, tragic heartbreak, the whole dramatic storybook version. Meanwhile,

There's Gilbert Blythe who is in love with her, but quietly he walks her home, defends her when others mock her, works hard, honors her mind, helps her with problems, and is genuinely a kindred spirit. But he doesn't fit her fantasy.

There's a moment where Anne is heartbroken over love, not looking the way she imagined. And Marilla, her adoptive mother says something that stops her in her tracks and really rescues her from making the wrong decision.

Michelle Joiner (16:08)
She said, you have tricked something out of that imagination of yours that you call romance. And then she described all the ways that Gilbert had shown up for her and been there for her and taken care of her. And she said, don't toss it away, for some silly ideal.

that doesn't exist. And I want to echo that. I'm not telling you to settle. I'm telling you to actually see the real thing when it's right in front of you instead of worshipping lies that never led to true happiness. Maybe your guy doesn't write poetry or bring roses.

but he changes your tires, sits with you when you're sad, knows your coffee order, and makes you laugh when you swore you were gonna cry for the rest of the night. This is romance. Sometimes you just need to tell him what romance looks like to you. For instance, I always dreamed my husband someday would sit next to me in church

and put his arm around me. Caleb didn't naturally do that until I told him that was what I had always dreamed romance would be. And I told him because Mind reading isn't romance. Communicating with kindness is. So Kingdom Bride fix. Show him what makes you feel loved.

and romanced instead of punishing him for not mind reading. And notice the romance that already exists instead of despising what you have because it doesn't match your previous fantasy. And yes, use desire language to call forth the specific romance

and words and experiences that you want to have with your man and watch him be so happy to do that for you. 

You don't know what it does to me when you listen to me talk about my stressful day. Somehow you make me laugh about it all and it makes me want you in the best way. 

Or you could say my heart literally skipped a beat when you were the one who suggested that we pray together after our fight. This is how we influence a man to show up for us in the ways that we need him to.

We use I want you energy, I want you words.

Okay, problem number two. He doesn't prioritize me. If you're feeling like he's too busy or distracted or doesn't make time, yes, that's a problem. But often you two have never actually agreed

on intentional time together. So the Kingdom Bride fix is suggest to him, hey, could we set aside one or two times a week that are just ours, no phones, just us? Love grows where there's agreement, not unspoken expectation. Sometimes you're dealing with someone with a different communication style from you, maybe a different personality and temperament.

or a different love language from you when it comes to quality time. So you've got to help him understand who you are and what you need. When I was dating Caleb, we lived in different time zones. He lived on the West Coast. I was on the Eastern time zone and I really was feeling

I just wasn't getting enough quality time with him so I was telling my cousin about this and He said well, but you need to get specific with Caleb don't make him guess at it. Don't drop hints

He said, tell him specifically what you need. And that's what I'm suggesting here. So Caleb and I agreed on three nights a week. We would have date nights. So we would have a Bible study night together, a movie night together. Yes, we watched movies, long distance, and we will play games together. So we had three dedicated date nights a week and it really filled my cup and he held those times as sacred. And I talked to him much more times.

outside of that, but I always knew I could count on special time with him that we had agreed on. So that's the Kingdom Bride fix. All right. Here's another common one.

He never asks me questions. Sometimes a guy isn't asking questions because you're doing all the asking or he just doesn't know what you want to talk about. So the Kingdom Bride fix to this is stop interviewing him and start revealing yourself. Share your memories, your thoughts, your dreams. Most good men respond with curiosity, with follow-up.

questions and that invitation is going to replace the interrogation feel that can happen when you're asking all the questions.

All right, last problem. He pushes physical boundaries. He flirts with other women or he doesn't care about God. Any type of problem like this is not a communication issue. It is not something you can solve with King's language. This is character and character doesn't change because you love him harder. So the Kingdom Bride fix here.

Sis it is to leave because once you are married the exit door closes do not marry a man hoping he will turn into someone else marriage is covenant not a reform program

Michelle Joiner (21:55)
So if he will not love you as Christ loves, leave. Do not marry him.

Michelle Joiner (22:03)
Those are the common problems. And this entire podcast episode shows you how a Kingdom Bride responds. But hear me on this, sis. The presence of problems does not mean he's the wrong one for you. It just means you're two humans learning how to love.

So before you start panicking or sabotaging a good thing, I want to tell you this. Don't be discouraged because you have problems. A Kingdom Bride doesn't run at the first sign of disappointment.

She brings her heart and her concerns before God.

She handles conflict with honor and humility and respect and acts out of holy desire. She chooses forgiveness over scorekeeping, communication over complaining and prayer over punishment. So no, problems do not mean it's the wrong guy. They mean you've been given an invitation to love like Christ,

and to allow this relationship to make you more like him. And if you're thinking, Michelle, I wanna be this kind of woman, but I don't know how. That's exactly why I am here. You don't have to figure out kingdom love, by yourself. You don't have to guess your way through communication with men, through

Conflict that's confusing or your calling in a godly man in the first place That's what my course and my coaching are for to walk with you Strategy heart to heart until love doesn't just feel possible again that becomes inevitable So come into my world take the course Apply for coaching don't sit outside the door

when God has already opened it. Remember what I said, God opens the door, but you have to walk through it to be adored. And if price is scaring you, just email me sis, ask, seek, knock. I will always do my best to make a way if you are willing to move. You are worthy of love, of growth, of a husband.

who adores you and chooses you every day. Problems don't disqualify you. They're often the very place God begins transformation. Let's get you married, sis.