Ep. 95 Shocking Words from My Dating Coach That Will Encourage and Heal You

I had to stop recording this episode three times because I couldn’t stop crying.

This might be the most important message I’ve ever shared on the podcast — and yes, it’s marked explicit, because there was no other way to say it.

In this raw, unfiltered conversation, I open up about what it was really like to be single into my 30s — the waiting, the loneliness, the “be content” comments that only made it worse.

And then I share the moment everything changed — five shocking words from my dating coach that broke the chains I’d been living under for far too long.

If you’ve ever cried in confusion while waiting for love, this one’s for you. Listen all the way through — there’s healing woven into every word.

https://www.thechristiandatingcoach.com/

Transcript

Michelle Joiner (00:00)
Hey, hey sis, I am risking it all to say something you need to hear today. I know that sounds dramatic, but I mean it. This might be the most important thing I've ever said to you on this podcast. It is definitely the most emotional thing I've ever said on this podcast. And in fact, I had to stop recording this episode

three times because I couldn't stop crying. I know what it's like to be single. Not for a year, not for two years. I'm talking decades. I didn't meet Caleb until I was 34. It was my first kiss, my first handhold, my first real date.

And before him, I had gone maybe on one date where a guy invited me and then paid for the dinner, but that was it. And I spent most of those single years feeling confused, feeling a dissonance between what I imagined my life was gonna look like and what it actually was.

I couldn't understand why was I hurting so bad? Why was I in so much pain? And this pain and confusion and dissonance was almost impossible to even really articulate. But what it looked like was hugging myself on my bed, crying, sobbing without.

even really being able to voice what I was thinking. Just feeling tired of waiting and wanting, tired of people telling me to just be content or that Jesus should be enough for me. What's that even mean? And literally, how dare they even say that to me? So today, I'm risking it all to say something

I know you need to hear. And by the way, I am marking this episode explicit because there's just no other way to convey the message that I feel the need to convey to you today. And since what I want you to hear is this, the holidays are approaching. You're seeing engagement announcements, baby announcements.

family setting up their Christmas trees, baking cookies with their kids, doing traditions with their husbands and all of this romantic wonderland. It seems like you don't have a ticket to.

I know how that feels. And what I believe you need to hear today is something that my dating coach told me when I was single. He listened to my tears.

you let me cry it out.

And then he said.

Michelle, you're the fucking shit. And he didn't say it like that. He said it like powerfully and robust. But I'm saying it to you in a heartfelt way. That's what my dating coach said to me. And now I, as the Christian dating coach, am saying it to you because I know you need to hear this today. Let me tell you something about my dating coach.

He gave me two pieces of advice that changed everything in my life. One, when I was dating Caleb and I was trying to figure things out with him and things were kind of tense. Things were kind of weird. We were dating long distance and it was pretty uncertain. And I was telling him, well, I am probably going to go visit him in November.

Well, maybe not November. I might not be able to go till December. And at the time it was September. So I'm calculating. I don't know if I can go till Thanksgiving or Christmas. And he said this massively important piece of advice to me. He said, no, you're going in October. You're going next month. You're not waiting two months, three months. If you want this relationship to last,

you go get on a plane and you go visit your boyfriend. Long distance relationships don't survive without that. He told me the cold hard truth and cut through all my noise

when I needed it the most. And he was right. That trip probably was what kept us together. But what I shared before, the phrase that he said to me was something that he said prior to me meeting Caleb when I was single. And it broke me in a way that I hope breaks you.

You are the fucking shit. And I remember thinking, did he just say that? Because I don't swear. That's not me. But I needed to hear that in the strong way that he said it. When we're single, we don't feel like we're enough. We think that married women must be better. It must be because they're prettier. It must be because they're more godly. It must be because they're more desirable.

And in that moment, he shook me and said, no, you're already valuable. You're already chosen. You're already the prize. And I feel like when we're single, we feel like we don't have permission to believe that. We don't have permission to believe that God loves us, that he really cares about us. We don't have permission to want what we want. We don't have permission to feel desire.

without shame, we don't have permission to say, I want a husband, I'm ready for love without being told, well, you should just practice contentment. So I am going to say this, you have permission. You're allowed to want what you want. You're allowed to stop paying the single tax, not because being single is inferior.

but because your heart wants to be married. The single tax isn't about shame. It's not anything anyone should ever look down on you for. It's not anything you should look down on yourself for. But the single tax is a cost. And when I tell you to stop paying it, all I'm saying is go after what you truly want. Not because

Where you are right now is less than, but because there's something else your heart longs for. And I want you to live your life from a place of desire, where your desires matter.

So this isn't because your identity needs to change in order to have value. It's because your heart's request is worth honoring. Your heart is worth the time. Your heart is worth the money. Your heart is worth the expense, the energy, the motivation, the overcoming fears, the new clothes you need to buy, the places you need to make time to visit, the coaches you need to hire, the dating apps you need to join.

The hairstyles you need to get, it's worth all of that. You're allowed to have what you want. You do it for other people. Other people's hearts are worth sacrificing for, right? So is yours. The phrase my dating coach shocked me with unlocked all of that for me. It's okay to want this?

I was astounded. So many people had put me in a little box and said I was wrong, said I was going to destroy myself and stop not realizing how great God has already made your life. He's already blessed you with so much. He released me from all of that. So let's get granular. The circumstance I am single is neutral.

neutral sis as just a designation on an IRS form you get to choose what you think about that society teaches us to think these lies married women are superior I must not be attractive enough there's something about me that is calling in the wrong type of guys I don't know what I'm doing

It's what I want, but maybe it's not meant for me. I probably couldn't handle marriage anyway. Sound familiar? I lived there. I thought these thoughts. I repeated them until they felt like truth, but they're not. They're lies the devil is throwing at you. And they're a slow erosion of confidence, of faith, of hope. So I want to

interrupt that erosion for you today the same exact way someone did for me years ago because the truth my dating coach declared over me is true for you too not even just because you're winning at life though let's be real you are winning at life but because your worth is inherent

It's who you are. It's who you've always been. Married, single, or somewhere in between. You have nothing to prove. You are not single because you're broken. You are not single because you missed your chance. You are not single because God has forgotten you. You're single because God is still writing. And he's not finished with your story yet.

And while he's writing, the part of the story that you're in right now still matters. Your voice matters. Your heart matters.

And your value doesn't begin when a man puts a ring on your finger. It began the moment God breathed life into you.

So if you're listening to me right now with tears in your eyes.

I want you to take a breath.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop judging yourself and dissecting every decision you've ever made. Wondering if you did something wrong. You are enough. Put your hand over your heart and say this with me.

I may be single, but I'm the fucking shit. Say it angry. Say it loud. Say it until you believe it.

Say it until there's tears coming out of your eyes. You might have to say it ten times.

That's what breaks the shame. That's what unlocks your freedom.

That is what makes you magnetic. Not pretending to be happy, but standing fully in your worth. When you can say it and mean it, everything changes. We walk with a boldness. When we can say something like that as Christian women, we walk with the boldness that instructs high caliber men to pursue us. Because yes.

In order to show your value, must know your value. So let's stop apologizing for wanting love. Let's stop minimizing our desires, doubting our worth.

But let's also stop believing that marriage is the award for good behavior and singleness is the shameful dunscap. You are already the prize. You are favored. And you are the good thing Proverbs 18 22 was talking about.

Walk like it, date like it, pray like it, flirt like it, and watch your godly, high caliber, handsome man slide into your DMs, pick you out in a crowd, reach out on the dating apps, start thinking of yourself in this way, bold, unapologetic, and watch yourself.

Call in the man of your dreams.

So let's put this message in the words of scripture and close with my prayer for you. With all the love and understanding in my heart, as I said, as you heard, this podcast episode made me cry. So let's go to the Lord and ask him to release us all from the chains of doubt and sadness and fear.

For this reason, I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and on earth is named. I pray that he would grant you, says, according to the riches of his glory. May he grant you to be strengthened with might through his spirit in your inner being so that Christ

may dwell in your heart through faith. I pray that you being rooted and grounded in love may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height.

to know the love of Christ, which surpasses knowledge. And I pray that you be filled with the fullness of God. Amen.

You are loved, you are chosen,

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Our Father is able to do more than we can ask or imagine. So live in peace. Let's get you married, sis.